


More Than Friends

by Nikky_the_writer



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 13:55:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16874115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikky_the_writer/pseuds/Nikky_the_writer
Summary: Reader and Hvitserk are friends with benefits and they are both alright with that, but things will start to change when Ivar moves in with them.-AUWarnings: Nsfw, cursing, smut,  talking about sexual assault and more sad stuff





	1. Chapter 1

Slowly opening your eyes your gaze feel on the blond man next to you. Trying not to wake him you lifted your head to see what time it is. Unfortunately, his grip around you was too tight and you couldn’t see the clock. You cursed silently deciding to roll him over. You were ready to do it when you heard his raspy voice.

˝Don’t.˝ Hvitserk tightened the grip around you not allowing you to move.   
˝You are an ass and I have to go to work.˝ He loosened his grip, but just so you could turn your whole body towards him. From the new position, you could easily see the clock.  
Hvitserk smiled when you exhaled loudly in relief. You had twenty more minutes to stay in bed before going to work.  
˝I forgot to tell you something.˝ Hvitserk put his palms next to your head trapping your lower body with his.  
˝Is it good or bad?˝ You reached towards his face tracing your fingers over his smooth jaw.  
˝I should’ve told you yesterday, but it can wait.˝   
˝Why are you doing this to me? Now I know that is bad.˝ Quickly you placed your palms on his shoulders pushing him away from you. He let you do it falling on his back next to you. Moving his head to the side he watched you as you sat leaning on the headboard. He took his time observing you as he would always do. His eyes traveled from your messy hair all the way to the valley of your breast that was barely covered with the blue sheet. Hvitserk reached with his hand towards yours licking his lips ready to speak.  
˝It’s nothing bad Y/N. You don’t have to upset over it. I will tell you and then we’ll discuss it.˝  
˝Alright, but not now.˝ You squeezed his hand lovingly. You were a bit afraid about what he wants to talk about. You knew each other since you were kids and you lived with him for more than five years. You two weren’t dating or anything, you were best friends. You both had problems with trust so you rarely dated anyone. So, the best decision for both you and Hvitserk was to be friends with benefits.  Little fun never hurt anyone.  
˝Okay, so, do you have any idea how we could use this time until you have to go?˝ He smirked at you already kneeling in between your legs. You moved your back from the headboard pressing your body against his, only thing that was separating you was a thin sheet which he moved away after pressing his lips on yours. With your body, you pushed him into the matters letting your hands wander all over him. He let out a groan after you bit his neck.   
˝You weren’t that aggressive yesterday.˝ He stated gripping your hips. You just smiled at him rolling your hips over his. You enjoyed teasing him while he absolutely hated it. If it was up to him he would already make you come at least once, but he let you do what you wanted at the moment. Usually, Hvitserk was the one dominant in the bed and you were fine with that even more than fine. Because after a stressful day at work you would just let him take care of you in the best way he can.  
˝I’m not tired anymore.˝   
He wanted to say something but his words cut up in his throat as you pressed your hips harder on his cock.  
˝I love when you’re like this. ˝ He smiled.  
˝Well, but not today.˝ Before he even could react you moved away, getting up from him you headed to the bathroom locking the door after you. You told him yesterday that he will have to pay for what he did a few days ago. He teased you bringing you to the edge a couple of times and when he was about to make you come his phone rang and he actually answered it leaving you at home as he had to leave to work.  
After taking a shower you opened the door to find Hvitserk still in the same position.  
˝What are you waiting for?˝ He asked gesturing to his completely hard length.  
˝You are joking, right?˝ You walked past the bed deciding what you’re going to wear. While you were looking through your closet you heard his groans. Rolling your eyes you turned around seeing him stroking his cock. His eyes were fixated on you and feeling bad about earlier you let your towel to fall to the floor and you continued to search for your black blouse. A smile crept on your face as you heard that he was close. Just as you put your underwear on and blouse that you finally found his breathing was calmer. Ready to leave you quickly kissed him warning him that he has to clean the mess he made on your bed.  
Stepping out of the room your eyes met familiar blue ones. For a moment you stare at the man with dark brown hair pulled into the bun.   
˝What?˝ You whispered silently not remembering if Hvitserk said that someone was coming to see him. You were in a hurry, so you just awkwardly waved at him with your hand. ˝ Hvitserk your friend is here.˝ You said looking back to your room and heading out of the apartment.

* * *

˝That was Y/N, right?˝ It was the first thing that Ivar asked his brother who stepped into the kitchen.  
˝Yeah.˝ Hvitserk nervously rubbed the back of his neck waiting for his brother to yell at him. He didn’t know that he will come here this early.  
˝What was she doing here?˝ Ivar asked intently staring at his older brother.  
˝She lives here.˝  
˝Wait a second, she is your roommate. Why didn’t you tell me?˝ Ivar angrily rubbed his fingers together as he waited for an answer.  
˝I knew that you wouldn’t agree to stay here if you knew that.˝  
˝You lied to me.˝ Ivar grabbed his crutches ready to get up when he stopped hearing Hvitserk’s voice.  
˝I didn’t lie. Honestly, I don’t understand what’s the problem here. You haven’t seen her since I left for college and she was always my friend, not yours.˝ Hvitserk sat next to him moving his crutches away so that he can’t leave.  
˝That’s a low blow brother.˝   
˝Well, that’s the only way that I can deal with you.˝ Hvitserk took a deep breath and turned his head towards Ivar. ˝I know that you had a thing for her since we were like ten, but I don’t see that as a problem now. You’ve been through college I’m sure that you don’t have a silly crush on her anymore.˝ Hvitserk waited for Ivar to say something, but when Ivar didn’t he had to ask him: ˝Are you still in love with her?˝

 


	2. Chapter 2

˝No. I was just a kid back then. I stopped liking her when she left with you. Honestly, I didn’t even think about her since I saw her a few minutes ago.˝  
˝So you are alright with sharing the apartment with us?˝ Ivar nodded his head with a forced smile on his face. ˝Okay. I still haven’t talked to her, but she will be alright. I’m sure that she will scream when she finds out that I’ll have to move into her room, but…˝ He paused dramatically. ˝…she’ll definitely be alright.˝ 

Hvitserk knew that that was a lie, they both knew that. Since you were a kid you hated sharing your room with anyone especially your bed for longer than a day. You just loved your space, somewhere you can lock yourself without anyone bothering you. Hvitserk knew that once you calm down you’ll agree. He didn’t want this to look like you don’t have any choice, but he didn’t want to let his brother stay alone somewhere. During college he lived with Sigurd and Ivar hated it and now when he is working on his master’s degree he came into the same town where Hvitserk lives. It was Hvitserk’s idea and it was really convenient. Hvitserk would never let him leave alone or with someone, he doesn’t know just in the case something happens to him and because his brother is not really a friendly person.  
˝Can you show me the room?˝ Ivar asked breaking the silence.  
˝Yeah.˝ Hvitserk got up and was already close to the door when he heard Ivar asking him to give him his crutches back.   
˝You could always crawl, Ivar.˝ He said before giving him his crutches with a smile on his lips. ˝I have a feeling that you and her, will turn on me. This whole thing will blow into my face.˝ Hvitserk said heading to his room, hoping that he wasn’t right because he knew all of your secrets.

* * *

Before you went to the office where you worked as a real estate agent you grabbed coffee for you and your friend. It wasn’t the dream job, but it was paid well.   
Coming to your floor you already saw Margrethe waiting for you in your office. You knew her for about a year when you hired her to be your assistant. You hired her because Hvitserk begged you to do it. His brother Ubbe was meaning to hire her as his assistant after they got married. But Hvitserk said that it would be awkward for him coming every day to work where he would see his brother’s wife, with whom he slept a couple of times before she started dating Ubbe.  
You gave Margrethe her coffee when you walked in and you sat in your black leather chair not saying anything. You were still thinking about the man in your apartment, you were sure that you knew who he was, but you were second guessing yourself.  
˝What’s torturing your brain?˝ You looked up when you heard Margrethe’s soft voice. She was sitting on the edge of the glass table staring at you  
˝Nothing. I just….˝ You stopped for a moment gazing at the gray wall.  
˝Y/N you are scaring me.˝  
˝Can you show me your wedding photos?˝ You asked suddenly, you had to be sure that it was him before going back home. You didn’t part your ways under the best circumstances and it was entirely your fault.  
˝Why?˝ She moved from your desk moving her long blond hair over her shoulders.  
˝Somebody came to visit Hvitserk this morning and I’m not sure if it was one of his brothers.˝  
˝Don’t you know how they look?˝ She was confused and you weren’t surprised by that. Anyone would be confused. But you had a bad fight with your family before you left so you never wanted to have any contact with anyone from Lothbrook family except Hvitserk. You only trusted him and now Margrethe. You never went to the dinners with Hvitserk because your father was a good friend with Ragnar. Margrethe never knew what happened, she didn’t know that you isolated yourself so much from them. You actually never stepped into Hvitserks room not wanting to see the faces of the people you left behind on his photos.  
˝I don’t. I only see Ubbe because of you and I haven’t seen others for…˝ You stopped for a moment trying to remember last time you saw Ivar and you sight silently. ˝ …six years. We were all still kids.˝  
˝Y/N, you don’t have to explain. It’s alright, I’ll just grab my phone.˝ She smiled before going to her desk. After she came back you attached the phone to your computer and you actually laugh for half an hour. Most of the pictures were of Ubbe stepping on Margrethe’s toes and you almost fall to the floor.  
˝Didn’t you go to classes before wedding?˝  
˝We did. He even practiced with Bjorn and he was pretty good. But his brothers drank a lot with him after the ceremony so that happened.˝ She said while going through pictures finding one where all the brothers were.  
˝God, they’ve changed so much.˝ You observed photo not believing that that were guys with whom you grow up. Bjorn hasn’t really changed it just seemed that he got a little taller than the last time you saw him. Sigurd looked differently, he had shorter hair than he used to have. When you were kids he had longer hair than you. You weren’t really interested in the way they changed because your eyes drifted to the youngest brother. His eyes were always so blue, you could instantly lose yourself in them. His hair was much shorter and just by looking at him, you could remember the feeling of his hair between your fingers. What surprised you the most was that he wasn’t in his wheelchair, he actually had his crutches next to him on the picture and you couldn’t have been more proud.  
˝Was it one of them?˝ You nodded with your head not wanting to speak because you were afraid that you’ll start crying.  
After a few minutes of silence, Margrethe was worried so she placed her palm on your shoulder and you flinched at the sudden touch. ˝Are you alright?˝  
˝Yeah, can you just give me a moment? I have to prepare some contracts.˝   
Margrethe knew it was a lie because she prepared everything yesterday, but still, she didn’t say anything leaving you alone.

* * *

The first thing you did when she left was dialing Hvitserk’s number. After a few rings, he finally answered.  
˝Is this a booty call? I can be at your office in ten minutes.˝   
˝Don’t be an asshole and next time when you are thinking of asking your brother to come, you should talk to me first.˝   
Hvitserk could tell that you were pissed off and until now he didn’t even think about the biggest reason why you wouldn’t want Ivar to stay there.  
˝Look Y/N, I’m sorry. I really am, but that’s actually just the tip of the iceberg. He will be living with us from today. You don’t have to give up on your space I can sleep on the couch, but he has to stay. ˝ He hoped that you’ll say something, but the only thing he could hear was your breathing. ˝Listen to me Y/N we can find a bigger apartment and that shouldn’t be any problem for you. I’m not going to choose between you and him. You hear me?˝  
˝Yeah.˝ It was the only thing you said before hanging up. You turned your chair around staring out the large window hoping that you’ve made a right decision by leaving six years ago.


	3. Chapter 3

You were standing outside of your apartment. It was already dark outside and you should’ve been back home hours ago. But you refused to leave work scared of the past that finally caught you.   
Taking a deep breath you pulled out the key from your bag placing it in the lock slowest you could, your shaking fingers were helping you in that. Your movements didn’t go unnoticed. Before you could reach for the doorknob the doors were already opened. Hvitsek was standing in front of you. You could see that he was angry at you because you didn’t answer his calls or respond to his texts. He held his hands on his hips not knowing what to say.

˝I…˝ You exhaled closing the door and leaning your head on the door. ˝I can’t do this.˝  
˝He is not here right now.˝ Hvitserk said not sure if that will help you relax a little.   
˝With him here. I don’t know what to do.˝  
˝It’s not that big of a deal in comparison with other things.˝ He took a few steps closer. ˝You don’t have to give him an explanation. It’s not his…˝ He cut him self off when you took a big step towards him. He was ready for you to slap him, but to his surprise, you kissed him. Your hands moved to his hair pulling him closer.  
˝What are you doing?˝, he asked breathlessly after pulling away. He still holds your hips close to him.  
˝I need a distraction.˝ Hvitserk smiled slightly wiping away a tear that was ready to roll down your cheek.  
˝Well, you are lucky ‘cause I have a talent in distracting beautiful woman.˝   
˝Lucky me.˝, you said before pulling him for another kiss. The kiss was more urgent and sloppier than the first one. You were desperate to get your mind away from your memories. Hvitserk gripped your ass and you instantly placed your legs around his hips while he holds you steady.  
He carried you to your room with ease. Hvitserk understood that you needed a distraction, but he is always trying to be gentle with you when you are in that state of mind. That doesn’t mean that you two are never rough with each other.  
Placing you on the bed he hovered over you not breaking the kiss. His hands wandered from your ass to your blouse that he started unbuttoning. You shivered under his touch as his fingers grazed against your breasts. He took his time after pulling away from the kiss. He moved his lips from your jaw to the crook of your neck. Your fingers were tightly gripping onto his hair as you felt his teeth sinking into your skin.   
˝Stop teasing.˝, your voice was like a whisper.   
˝Tell me what you want.˝, he said against your skin licking the place where he bit you.  
˝Please…˝, your moan reached his ear as he played with the button of your pants. ˝…anything.˝  
Your begging draws him crazy, moving his body from you he helps you sit up. Moving your blouse off and quickly pushing your pants down. He pulled his shirt over his head as you pulled his sweatpants down. A smile crept your face as you could see the outline of his hard cock under his black boxers. Before he placed himself back in between your legs you unclasped your bra throwing it away. After that, he started to lose control placing his mouth over your nipple. Kissing the skin on your right breast his fingers played with other. You moaned under his touch raising your hips trying to get some kind of release. Glancing at your face he kissed your lips once more time before you felt his hand on your panties. He moved tips of his fingers against it teasing you. Smirking into the kiss after he felt how wet you were. Suddenly he ripped off your panties and you jumped slightly not expecting that.  
˝Sorry…I just…˝, he saw the shock on your face and he kissed your cheek to calm you down. ˝Are you…˝  
˝I’m alright.˝, breathing deeply you calmed yourself down pushing Hvitserk on his back.  Moving his boxers down you reached for the condom in the night stand.  Hvisterk caressed your thighs as you rolled the condom on him stroking him a few times. You both let out a gasp as you guided him inside you. After a moment to adjust to him you placed your palms on his chest slowly rolling your hips against him, just too teas him.   
When you finally started moving you lowered your chest closer to him and he immediately reached with his left hand intertwining his fingers with yours. You were thankful for that, although you knew he was there for you, he never wanted you to forget that.

* * *

Ivar couldn’t sleep, his mind constantly drifted to you. You’ve changed so much he almost hasn’t recognized you, but still, he felt the same. He felt like he was back in high school, but not completely because a part of him was mad at you.   
The thing that he couldn’t stop thinking is when he saw you yesterday riding his brother on the way to his room. He looked away, the quickest he could, but your moans followed him all the way to the room. Even after he closed the door he could hear you. Mostly he was angry at himself because to him was always obvious that you would rather be with his brother, any of his brothers than with him.  
After he got bored with just lying in his bed he went to the kitchen to make himself some cereals. It was already morning and he didn’t know what to do. He thought about finding his own apartment he could afford it, but nobody in the family would let him do that. He was brought out from his thought when you walked into the kitchen. You wore Hvitserk’s shirt that reached to your mid thighs.  
˝Hi…˝, you said silently and Ivar didn’t even look at you. His gaze was fixed on his cereals.  
You placed your bowl with cereals in front of him leaning on the counter.   
˝So, you and Hvitserk, can’t say that I’m surprised.˝, it was the first thing Ivar said to you and you felt offended by his words.  
˝If you have any intention of staying here, you better watch your language.˝, accidentally you let the spun down and it crashed into the bowl splattering the milk on the counter.  
˝You never talked like this with me before.˝, Ivar finally looked at you, really looked at you noticing even the slightest changes on your face.  
˝Well, we changed.˝,  you wiped away milk and straighten your back. Placing your palms on the counter you smiled sadly.  
˝Yeah.˝, Ivar couldn’t look away from your eyes.  
˝Me, not in a good way, but I’m proud of you.˝, going around the counter you stood next to him with his eyes following your every move. ˝Look at you…I..˝, your eyes were getting watery and you slowly took a deep breath. ˝God..˝, before he could even react you hugged him. It felt so familiar to be close to him. ˝I missed you.˝, you whispered.   
Ivar didn’t hug you back he pushed you away. ˝Than you could’ve called, but you didn’t. Six years! You fucking left me, without saying a word, just because I’m a…˝  
˝Don’t you dare to say that!˝, you screamed at him. Tears were rolling down your cheeks.  
˝Well it’s true. I’m a cripple and just like everybody else you decided that I’m not good enough for you.˝ The vein on his neck was pulsating and he reached for his crutches, but before he could take that you slapped him.  
˝Just because you can’t accept who you are, doesn’t mean that I can’t. But suit yourself, you have the right to think what ever you want. I’m not going to even try to change your mind.˝,  it was the final thing you said before leaving the room walking pass Hvitserk.  
˝It’s really nice to know that you lied to me.˝, Hvitserk said standing in front of his brother.  
˝Screw you or better go screw her as you already had!˝  
˝You could’ve told her, but you didn’t. Was she supposed to wait for you to grow some balls and tell her what you feel about her?˝  
˝You know nothing.˝, Ivar walked back to his room slamming the door behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

You grow up with Ragnar’s sons. Bjorn and Ubbe treated you like a sister, but other boys like their friend. Although there weren’t big age gaps between three younger brothers you ended up being Hvisterks best friend. You went to same classes, you did your homework together, you played together. 

You and he were always together like you were joined at the hip. Everything you did you did together, at least before you started high school. You were still really close, but Hvisterk would spend a lot of times on dates, while you didn’t prefer dating. Whenever he would go on a date you would stay at his house with Ivar watching movies. Ivar was a nice kid, but he was really distant and it took you awhile to get to know him. 

* * *

_You moved a little closer to Ivar where he laid next to you on the couch. His body stiffened surprised by your actions. You didn’t even notice, watching a horror movie on the TV. Ivar was getting uncomfortable having you so close to him. Your back was almost completely pressed to him. Ivar swallowed a lump in his throat pulling his hand from the blanket that was covering you both so that he could move his legs further from you. Feeling the blanket falling from you, you reached for the remote stopping the movie. Sitting up you looked at Ivar. His cheeks were completely red and he kept his gaze on his legs. You sat on your right leg leaving your left feet on the ground._

_˝If you’re uncomfortable like this we can go to your room.˝, you assumed that his legs probably hurt._  
˝No I…˝ If it was possible he blushed even more than before thinking of you in his bedroom. ˝I was just in the same position for too long.˝  
˝I understand and you don’t have to be here with me. You know that.˝, placing your hand on his shoulder he finally looked up.  
˝Do you not want me here?˝  
You noticed the change on his face. His eyes looked sad, the same way they are when he thinks that nobody is watching, but you do. You always see him and he still didn’t catch you in the act. He wasn’t even aware because he was too deep in self-pity that he never saw your worried eyes on him.  
˝If I didn’t want you here I wouldn’t come.˝  
˝Yeah, you are right.˝, there was a short silence before he spoke again. ˝But why did you come here?˝  
You shifted in your seat closer to him and then you laid down. ˝I wanted to be here with you. We are friends, why wouldn’t I want to be with you?˝  
Ivar scratched the back of his neck before saying: ˝Your prom is today. Why aren’t you with Hvitserk?˝  
˝Do you want him to sleep with me?˝  
Ivar froze on the spot by your question. You looked dead serious and he didn’t know what to say. Of course that he didn’t want you to be with his brother, he liked you since you were kids. He tried to answer, but he couldn’t even say one word without stuttering. When you finally start laughing he exhaled loudly in relief that you were just joking.  
˝Let’s be realistic, he had in his plan to fuck someone and that ain’t goin’ to be me.˝  
Ivar laughed awkwardly wanting to ask her something that was on his mind for a long time, but he didn’t. ˝That’s the only reason?˝  
˝Not really. I wanted to be here with you, you know that I will leave soon. I just wanted to spend some time with you, I will miss you.˝  
˝There is at least two months left. During that time you can come over as much as you want.˝, Ivar said surprisingly without stuttering. He knew that you will be leaving soon, but he didn’t want to be reminded constantly.  
˝And I will. I will annoy you so much that you will pack my bags earlier and sent me away.˝, you were giggling. At the moment you were happy, but your smile didn’t reach your eyes.  
˝That would be impossible.˝ Before he could stop himself Ivar placed his palm on your cheek. His hands were warmer than your cheek and you leaned closer to him.  
You could see the panic in his eyes so you spoke first. ˝When I said that I won’t sleep with your brother I also meant that I’m not going to sleep with anyone.˝  
Ivar felt defeated because that meant that you don’t want him or his brother to be anything more than just friends. He closed his eyes taking a deep breath. Honestly, he wasn’t ready to have sex, he was self-conscious and you telling him that made him even sadder. He thought that maybe when he will be older you would see him as a potential boyfriend or something, but it seemed that you didn’t.  
˝Hey.˝, you punched him in the shoulder.  
Ivar looked at you confused and then he realized that you were still close to him.   
˝I thought that you liked me.˝, your voice was like a whisper and Ivar could see a tear falling from your eye.  
˝Why are you crying?˝   
˝Because you are a jerk.˝ You stood up throwing your stuff back to your bag.  
˝What did I do?˝ Ivar was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice when you placed your lips on his. His mind was constantly reminding him on the rejection and he didn’t notice that he missed something for what he craved for a long time.  
You sat on the table in front of the couch putting your bag down. ˝Why do you always look at me like you want to kiss me if you don’t like me? It’s fucking confusing, Ivar.˝  
˝I…What?˝ Ivar’s heart was beating rapidly and he didn’t know if he was hearing you right.   
˝Why didn’t you kiss me back?!˝  
Ivar’s eyes were now wide open and he moved his fingers over his lips smiling like a fool. ˝You kissed me?˝. He asked smiling wider. ˝God…you kissed me.˝  
As he was getting happier you were getting more annoyed by every minute that passed. ˝Is that funny?˝  
˝No.˝, Ivar quickly answered reaching with his hand towards you, but you didn’t move. ˝Come here. Please…˝  
You laid back down next to him waiting for him to talk.  
˝I would kiss you back if I’ve even noticed that you kissed me. I’m really sorry, but I was thinking and my brain wouldn’t shut up and…˝, he stopped when you placed your fingers on his jaw.  
˝I will kiss you now and if you feel what I think you feel about me you’ll kiss me back. Alright?˝  
Ivar didn’t say anything he simply placed his hand on the back of your neck leaning closer to you. Although it wasn’t your first kiss it felt like it because it was with the right person. Only other guy that you kissed was Hvisterk just because he wanted to practice with you, for him you were the only person he felt comfortable with to do it.   
For Ivar, this was his first kiss. One that will forever be his and one that he will remember with a smile on his face.   
You two forgot about the movie too much enjoying each other. The only time you pulled away was when your phone rang. You slowly moved your fingers from his thick hair and you blushed when you accidentally grazed your fingers over his crotch on which Ivar’s whole body stiffened.  
˝Sorry.˝, you whispered reaching for your phone. After a short conversation on your phone, you quickly grabbed your bag and turned to Ivar.  
˝I have to go, Hvitserk is too drunk to drive. I’m worried that he will do something stupid.˝  
˝I can come with you.˝  
You wanted him to come, but you didn’t want to listen drunk Hvisterk making jokes about you and Ivar.  
˝No.˝, it came out harsh, but not intentionally, you didn’t even notice. ˝He will be drunk and will be talking shit. I’ll just go.˝, before Ivar could say anything you were already gone.

* * *

That night changed everything for you. It was the last time you saw him, but you thought it was for the best. Ivar thought about that night for years. He never knew why you didn’t come back. Hvitserk left a week after that night, two months earlier. Whenever Ivar would talk with him about you Hvitserk would just end the phone call or if he was in front of him he would just leave.  
Ivar thought that you left because of him, it was a selfish thought, but he couldn’t think of anything else. He was a cripple, and that kiss was you feeling pity towards him. You never told him that you liked him, you only said that you know that he likes you. After a few months, he heard a rumor that you were pregnant. He didn’t believe it because he heard it in school. Some girls were gossiping about you although you already finished high school. He couldn’t believe that you were pregnant because you were one of the most responsible people he knew. But his mind was making stories and one was to him almost believable. That night Hvitserk never came home and the only explanation was that he was with you.

 

Once he believed that you were a person of your word, but today he doesn’t know who you are. He still loves you, how couldn’t he? Even after you left, to him you were the most important person. Whenever you would be with him, you would make jokes with him and you would never let others make him a joke. You were his friend, the first person out of his family that cared for him. He knew that you didn’t see him as a cripple. He knew, but the only way to protect his own heart was for him to believe that you did.


	5. Chapter 5

It’s been three days since your fight with Ivar. You haven’t seen him since then. The reason for that is that you didn’t really leave your room, taking a few days off. Hvitserk tried to talk to you, but it ended up with you kicking him out of the room. He slept on the couch, he didn’t complain about it, but he did complain about you and Ivar to the only person that he thought could help. That is why you had to force yourself out of your room to see Floki. He and you were the only people to whom Ivar could confide.

Floki was leaning on the counter watching as you slowly drag your body to him. Your feet wouldn’t listen to you to go faster. He was amused by your behavior.  
˝You know…˝, Floki moved closer to you. ˝If you wanted to see me you could’ve called and not piss of Ivar.˝   
˝Yeah I could, but it’s funnier this way.˝  
Floki pulled you in his arms and you quickly moved your arms around his waist holding him close. He was like an uncle to you, you could even say that he was more of a father to you than your actual father. He always took care of you kids, teaching you stuff and playing with you. Although he didn’t show it now, you knew that he was hurt that you almost never call him.  
˝Why are you torturing that bastard?˝, Floki asked. He was smiling while pulling away. His eyes wander all around your face to see how you changed.   
˝He started it!˝  
˝Seriously, what happened?˝, Floki took your hand in his guiding you to the couch.  
˝You didn’t talk to him?˝, you moved your legs on the glass table in front of you. You were avoiding Flokis’ eyes just staring at your fuzzy socks.  
˝I thought that it would be better if I talk to you first. You know his temper, it’s easier to talk to you.˝  
˝Yeah˝, you placed your hands in your lap. ˝Well, about what do you want to talk? I have nothing to say. He was the one who got mad, not me.˝  
˝Really? Why were you avoiding him since then?˝, Floki asked placing his legs beside yours.  
˝Can we talk about something else? ˝, you asked finally looking at him.  
˝Mhm.˝  
˝Did you help him with his legs?˝  
Floki shifted uncomfortably in his seat. ˝Yeah, but it wasn’t my idea.˝  
˝Than whose? I know that he wouldn’t do it without the reason.˝, you pressed your lips in a thin line waiting for his answer.  
˝He had a reason.˝, Floki said staring at you. You just looked at him with your eyebrows raised hoping that he will continue. ˝You, Y/N.˝  
˝But I was already gone.˝, your voice was a pitch higher and your hands shake a little.

˝He convinced himself that if he was normal you would come back.˝  
˝He is normal.˝  
Floki shrugged his shoulders not knowing what to say on that. He loved Ivar like he was his own son, but sometimes it angered him that he couldn’t accept his legs.  
˝Floki..˝, you began silently. ˝ Is he aware that I didn’t leave from all of you because of him?˝  
˝I’m not sure, but I know that he blames himself for it. Why didn’t you tell him?˝ You looked back down ashamed. ˝Don’t do that Y/N, what happened wasn’t your fault, but all after it, was. You pushed everyone away except Hvisterk. Ivar loves you even more than him.˝  
˝If you would know how I feel every day because of what happened you wouldn’t be here. You don’t have any right on telling me what to do. You did help me and I’m grateful for it, but don’t preach me!˝, by now you were already standing screaming in his face. Taking deep breaths you tried to calm down. Floki took your hands in his. ˝I ….They left me. You know it. My parents couldn’t look at me like it was my fault. Was it?˝  
˝No, no, of course, it wasn’t.˝ Floki pulled you in his arms holding you tighter than ever. After all this time you still blamed yourself. ˝Look at me! It wasn’t your fault. It’s the fault of those who raped you, alright. Not yours.˝  
Your face was red from crying and your eyes were sore. If Floki didn’t hold you, you would probably collapse on the floor. ˝It has to be me.˝  
˝No! We went through this when you came from the hospital. It wasn’t you, alright?˝  
˝Yeah..˝, you nodded, but he didn’t believe you. One night destroyed your life. You carried so many scars on your heart and some on your skin. They were reminders from which you couldn’t escape. The only thing that helped you to get through it was your friendship with Hvitserk.  
˝He can’t find out.˝, you whispered not letting go of Floki.  
˝Would it be that bad if he does?˝  
˝I wouldn’t be able to look him in the eyes.˝ Pulling away you took a box of tissues from the shelf sniffling.  
˝But now you don’t even talk to him.˝  
˝I know, but he can’t know.˝, you were persistent.  
˝But Hvitserk does.˝, Floki was having troubles to understand you.  
˝Hvitserk was one who found me. He helped me survive it. He was my rock and Ivar he…˝, you stopped throwing another tissue into the trash can. ˝He would see me as used. Like I’m damaged.˝  
˝You are underestimating him.˝, Floki moved fallen strands of your hair behind your ear so that he could see your face.  
˝I’m not. Can’t you see what I see? Just look at his legs, he thinks that he is useless and damaged because of them. What would he think about me then? I maybe lost him as a friend, but he still sees me as a person, not a used toy.˝  
˝Is that what you are to Hvitserk, a toy?˝  
Floki caught you off gourd by his question. It did surprise you at first, but the answer came straight from your heart. ˝He makes me feel loved. Only with him, I feel cherished, like I’m a human being. I can’t even go to the bar alone, afraid of being in the room with so many guys. I’m only safe with him. I can deal with Ivars’ temper, but not with his pity or anybody else.˝  
˝Y/N, as I’ve seen through all these years you were dealing with what happened better than anybody else would and for that, I know that your heart is paying price. You should understand that you don’t have to be tough from outside in front of your family, you should let them help you.˝  
˝My family…˝, you murmured.  
˝I’m not talking about your parents, but about Ivar and his brothers. I would really want you to talk with him, but I will support you with any decision that you make. But before that I want you to think about this six years, about your sacrifices.˝  
In the middle of his speech, you leaned against the wall lowering your body to the ground with tears in your eyes. Telling someone what happened to you was reliving it all over again and you weren’t sure if you were strong enough to go through it again.

* * *

  
˝Why did you do it?˝, Ivar asked Hvitserk as they both sat on Ivars bed leaned on the headboard.  
˝What exactly, brother? You’ve been accusing me of a lot of things lately.˝, Hvitserk took the photo from the night stand that he didn’t move to your bedroom. He thought that Ivar wouldn’t mind it. It was a picture taken a month before you left. Ragnar took you all to the Disneyland.  Hvitserk smiled when he remembered how you made his youngest brother laugh. He didn’t feel comfortable there with his wheelchair so you sat on his lap refusing to walk or to go to any ride that he couldn’t. All day you spent talking to Ivar and teasing him with plush toys you bought and placed in your lap.  
It was simpler times then for all of you, especially for you, Hvitserk and Floki who kept secrets away from everyone. He was grateful at the moment that you weren’t home because he knew that at the end he and Ivar will start fighting.  
˝That night when Y/N went to pick you up after prom. Why did you sleep with her?˝ Ivar kept his head low ashamed for asking that, but he had to know no matter if it breaks his heart more.  
˝That’s what you think?˝, Hvitserk laughed dryly. ˝Do you want to know when was the first time I made love to her?˝  
˝Love?˝, Ivar scoffed, while anger was boiling inside him.  
˝I love her Ivar. Since we were kids. I never fucked her, like you said. I loved her, with every touch I let her know that I care for her.˝  
˝I don’t really need details!˝  
˝If this will help your twisted mind, I’ll tell you. The first time we were together was four years ago and we’ve been only with each other since then. If you think that you could love her like I do, better ask yourself why she didn’t tell you why she left!˝, Hvitserk moved from the bed.  
˝I know why she left!˝, Ivar said and that made Hvitserk stop suddenly. ˝She was pregnant.˝  
At his words, Hvitserk turned to look Ivar.  
˝Really? Is that what you tell yourself?!˝ Hvitserk yelled at him. The vein on his forehead was more visible than before. He wanted to punch him, to make him bleed. ˝You think that she left you that night to go fuck someone. If you are that sure tell me where is her baby? Tell me Ivar where you there holding her hand in the hospital?!˝, Hvitserk couldn’t stop himself from screaming at first he just wanted to talk to Ivar, but mentioning her baby, he lost it. You were pregnant, not by your fault and not for a long time. Your parents stop talking to you after you said that you are not pregnant anymore. They wanted you to give birth to that child, they even wanted you to marry one of your rapists, they said that’s what a good woman would do. Your rapists, you didn’t even know if it were three guys or two, but you know that they were never going to be behind the bars because of their parents and yours. They were in the same circles, you even think that they blamed you for what happened.  
˝She was in the hospital? Why are you lying to me all the time? I’m sick of being left in the dark. I can handle the truth! I’m a cripple, but I’m not weak!˝ Ivar was breathing heavily, waiting for Hvitserk responded, but nothing could’ve prepared him for what Hvitserk said.  
˝She was raped, Ivar. Basterds got her pregnant. A week after it happened she started bleeding. She was so scared and I couldn’t help her.˝, Hvitserk said through teeth. There was silence only thing that could be heard were Ivars crutches as he approached Hvitsark and sat next t him on the floor.  
˝It was my fault that they were never put in prison. I found out who did that to her.˝, Hvitserk was talking quietly staring blankly. ˝Before they even arrested them, Bjorn, Ubbe and I beat the life out of them. I never told our brothers what they did to Y/N, but they helped me. When she decided to leave I had to go with her. She was my best friend and if I haven’t got drunk and called her she wouldn’t go through that horror.˝  
˝Hvitserk, I..˝  
˝I destroyed her life.˝Hvitserk closed his eyes letting his head fall on his knees.


	6. Chapter 6

You spent the whole day with Floki, going around the city. For a few hours he helped you to stop thinking about your past and what are you going to do when you come back home.   
It felt nice to be with him. Floki always knew how to make you smile or what to say when you’re sad. He would be a perfect father. Sometimes, actually, almost always you wished that he was yours. Maybe then you wouldn’t feel abandoned.

˝How is Helga?˝ You were sitting on the bench next to a small lake with ice cream in your hand.  
˝She is alright, still too good for me, but she doesn’t complain.˝ Floki smiled to himself thinking about Helga. The only woman with whom he was ever in love. She was his perfect match, although he sometimes doubted if he was hers.  
˝Really? I know that she would always complain when you would do something stupid.˝  
˝That means all the time, right?˝ He laughed as you smiled at his words. You would even enjoy this moment more if your phone hadn’t been vibrating all the time. ˝Will you answer?˝  
˝It’s probably Hvitserk, I’ll talk to him when I came home.˝ You took the phone from your pocket silencing it completely. ˝You should probably get going it’s getting late and Helga will kick your ass if you don’t come home on time.˝  
˝You are right. wouldn’t want to get on her bad side.˝ Floki hugged you before leaving.   
You stayed for a few more minutes staring at the peaceful horizon, not aware of everything that happened in your absence.

* * *

When you got home after more than six hours being outside you were met with complete silence. It creeped you out, it was never this quiet, not even when you were living only with Hvitserk. Placing your bag on the ground you took your shoes of exhaling in relief when your feet met the solid ground. Your feet were killing you all day, so this was one good thing about being home. You silently debated would you go talk with Ivar firstly and then talk to Hvitserk for him to give you an advice. After a few minutes, you slowly headed to Ivar’s room. Passing by your room you saw lights coming from under it and a shadow like somebody’s back was pressed to the door. You didn’t know what that was about. You moved towards your first destination sure that it would last quicker than talking to Hvitserk.   
You gently knock on Ivar’s door before coming in. He was sitting on the ground with his back to the bottom of the bed. When you walked in you almost stepped onto his outstretched legs.  
˝What are you doing on the ground? You will catch a cold.˝ You were too busy searching for his crutches with your eyes that you missed the look on his face. ˝Where did you put them?˝ You were getting worried because he could’ve fallen if he tries to walk without them.  
˝Can you stop?˝ Ivar was playing with fingers in his lap focusing on the ground. His hair was loose so it covered a larger part of his face falling over his eyes.  
˝What?˝ You looked at him taken from your thoughts.  
˝I know where they are. Can you just sit with me?˝  
There was something wrong with him. His voice sounded so weak and his whole presence made him look so small. You sat beside him with your tights barely touching. Reaching with your hand to his you interlock your fingers with his. Ivar was sitting silently finally looking up. He still hasn’t looked your way he just pressed the back of his head to the edge of the bed.  
You didn’t know should you say something so you kept your mouth closed just for a while. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, but it was uneasy. You could feel the heaviness of the air. With his shallow breathing, you didn’t hear anything else and it started to drove you mad. You were a patient person, but while you were sitting here the longer was Hvitserk sitting in your room alone. It was hard for you. You never wanted to choose, but at the end of the day, it seems like you will have to.  
˝Ivar…˝, you reached with your hand towards the fallen strands of his hair pulling them back. ˝Hey, look at me.˝  
Ivar hesitantly lifted his head up finding ‘worry’ written all across your face. He opened his mouth slightly wanting to say something, but he couldn’t force himself to do it.  
˝Talk to me…˝, you plead tracing his jaw with the tip of your finger. His eyes were swollen from crying and he looked like a mess, totally conflicted. You didn’t know what got him so bad, but soon enough you will find out.

˝I know what happened.˝ His voice was like a whisper. If any of yours breathing was a little bit louder you wouldn’t even hear his voice, but you did. You quickly pulled your hand from his face like it was burnt. What you heard made you feel like somebody just stabbed you in the heart. You knew that tone too well. Lowering your head you hoped that he thought about something else, but if he didn’t that would explain Hvitserks behavior.  
˝What?˝ It was the only world you could force to come out. Your hands were shaking and you thought that you could faint in any second duo your heavy breathing.  
˝Hvitserk to…˝  
Before he could even finish his sentence you were on your feet with your hand clenching on your chest. ˝Why?˝  
˝What do you mean why?˝ He was trying to get up with the help of his bed, but he was not succeeding because of the softness of the mattress.  
˝He just told you? Just like that?˝ You moved from the shock to anger and hurt raising your voice.  
˝Yeah…I mean not like that… It just…˝ He was stuttering in front of you and you didn’t feel sorry for him. You were mad. Maybe it wasn’t just Hvitserk fault, but Ivars too. He was probably too pushy, but Hvitserk had to pay for what he did. With clenched fists by your side, you stormed to your room. You tried to enter, but it was locked from inside. You were so furious that you start banging your fists against the door screaming. ˝You liar!! How dare you?! ˝   
Ivar was trying to get up, but when he fell again he crawled to his door seeing you in front of your room.  
You kicked your head against the door hard enough to make it hurt for days. ˝How the fuck could you? You were supposed to be my friend!!??˝ Totally defeated you let yourself to drop on the ground. You saw Ivar in the corner of your eye and you glanced his way with so much hatred on your face that he stopped moving. Pressing the side of your face to the door you said silently: ˝I loved you. I would do anything for you. You betrayed me.˝ You were saying it loud enough for Hvitserk to hear, but it couldn’t suppress the sounds of his sniffling and punches when his fist met the floor. ˝I’m tired of this. I’m tired of feeling so lonely. I thought that you got my back, but I was wrong.˝ Wiping away tears that were constantly rolling down, you picked yourself up from the floor holding your right fist in your left palm. You punched harder with it and it was scratched and bleeding. Not looking back at your door or at Ivar you took your bag and shoes and you were about to walk out the door when you heard Ivar’s voice.  
˝Please don’t leave. We can fix this.˝  
You stood in front of the open door giving Ivar a little hope not leaving immediately, but what was to come wasn’t what he hoped so.  
˝There is nothing left to fix. The only thing that’s left is two brothers who betrayed the trust of the person who truly cared about them.˝ You turned your head to met his blue eyes smiling sadly. ˝Maybe I’ll sound selfish saying this, but there is nobody on this planet who could ever love you both as much as I do.˝  
It was the last thing you said to Ivar.   
If he wasn’t drowning in his self-pity for so long, maybe he would see everything differently. Maybe he would forgive you for leaving the moment you left. Maybe he should’ve immediately open his arms for you the moment he saw you again. But there is a lot of ‘maybe’. What happened he can’t change anymore, but he can hope that he hasn’t lost you again.


	7. Chapter 7

˝No…˝, you looked at him suspiciously  ˝…that’s not possible.˝ You furrowed your brows not believing him.  
˝It is.˝ He insisted.  
˝Halfdan, that is just not possible. ˝ You sat on the couch with Halfdan while Floki and Helga were in the kitchen. You took your vacations days and luckily Floki offered you to stay with him. Just a few days after, Halfdan and his brother came to visit.  
˝Yes it is. I have pictures.˝ He started pulling his phone out and you laughed at him. 

˝Even Harald is laughing at you.˝ You dramatically moved your hand in the direction where his brother was sitting.  
˝You have to admit it, for a second you believed me.˝ He moved on the couch closer to you with a smug smile on his face.   
You suspiciously observed him not saying anything.   
˝You totally believed me.˝ He triumphantly bumped the air with his fist still smiling.  
˝You are a moron. I didn’t fall for that. Firstly, you are afraid of water and secondly, you would never survive surrounded by sharks. Your ego must be huge to make up those stories.  
˝Well, you know him Y/N, he will never change.˝ Harald said tapping the place next to him on the sofa for you to join him. ˝Now I’ll show you real photos from our trip and not photoshopped pictures that my brother has.˝  
You sat next to him on the larger sofa. You felt comfortable with him. Both of them were like crazy uncles to you. Even as a kid you would rarely see them, but when they would come, they would bring you gifts and stories. As a kid, you loved Halfdan’s stories more, but as you grow up you realized that his stories are not that believable anymore. So every time when they would leave overseas you would give Halfdan list of the things he has to do. One of that thing was to swim with sharks but without safety cage, just him and sharks.  
˝Was it fun in Scotland?˝  
˝It was cold.˝ Halfdan came closer to you two placing his phone on the small table in front of him.  
˝What? That’s it? It was cold.˝ You asked over dramatically staring at Halfdan not breaking the eye contact.   
˝Yeah, just cold.˝ Halfdan stares back at you continuing your staredown.   
˝Have you met anyone?˝ You feel Harald’s arms shaking with laughter at you two.  
˝Just coldness.˝  
˝Oh that’s a nice name. I bet you wormed her heart.˝ You winked at him playfully.  
˝Oh you bet I did. She melted right through my fingers.˝  
At his statement, you drop your shoulders. ˝We were describing coldness not the ice, you idiot. You lose.˝ You pulled the pillow from between Harald’s back and sofa throwing it straight into Halfdan’s face.  
˝Alright children, stop it.˝ Floki said carrying mugs with hot chocolate for everyone.   
You smiled. ˝Ohh, just like when we were kids.˝  
˝You still are.˝ Helga said sitting down beside Halfdan. You took one mug and gave it to Harald and you took one for yourself. During the conversation, as time went by you were getting sleepy and finally, you fell asleep against Harald’s shoulder.

 

˝When will she talk to boys?˝ Harald asked silently not wanting to wake you up.  
˝I don’t know. It’s been four days.˝ Floki shrugged his shoulders watching you as you slept so peacefully. He was happy for that. He could still remember time after you were attacked. You couldn’t sleep, you would wake up every few minutes screaming and shaking. He was finally grateful that you moved past that horrible time, at least he hoped you did.   
˝Should we do something?˝ Halfdan asked nobody particular.  
˝I don’t know. They are all pretty messed up. When I came to visit I saw only Ivar and he looked horrible.˝ Harald lowered his head gently moving his fingers through your hair.  
˝What about Hvitserk?˝ Floki asked worriedly knowing that Hvitserk hasn’t shown up at work since the fight.   
˝I don’t think he was there, but Ivar….he was crushed, he didn’t even use his crutches he just dragged his body around.˝ Harald said. He and his brother didn’t know about what you had a fight, but they didn’t even ask respecting your privacy. If you wanted them to know you would tell them.  
˝Poor kids.˝ Helga exhaled standing up. She asked Harald to take you to the bed. She didn’t want to listen to their conversation anymore. She laid next to you keeping her hands around you. Helga was very emotional especially when it was about you. She formed a bond with you when you were just a baby. Before you were born a few years back she lost her daughter and you were the closest that she ever got to be a mother. She couldn’t watch her daughter grow up so she watched you. To you, she was more of a mother than your real one so it crushed her when you barely kept contact with her and Floki after you left. She wasn’t aware of what happened at first, but one night Floki broke down confessing everything to her. It hurt her almost the same as the day when she lost her daughter.

* * *

You were lying awake for hours in an empty bed. Helga already brought you something to eat even before you woke up, but you couldn’t eat. You rolled around in the bed gripping the sheets in frustration. Closing your eyes a few times you hoped you would wake up somewhere else. Actually not somewhere else, but in somebody’s arms.   
˝Y/N˝, you heard Helga’s voice and you lifted yourself from the bed. Walking into the kitchen you found yourself face to face with her. She was making breakfast.  
˝I made you waffles.˝  
˝You already brought me breakfast.˝ You weren’t in the mood to eat  
˝But you didn’t eat it, did you?˝  
˝Nop.˝ You said placing plates on the table. Everyone should be awake in a few minutes because Helga headed towards bedrooms.   
Just as you sat down there was a knock at the door. You waited for a few minutes hoping that Helga will open it, but when she didn’t arrive you opened the door.  
˝Ivar?˝

* * *

You weren’t mad at Hvitserk or at Ivar, but only at yourself.  You lied many times to Hvitserk telling him that you were alright. You put a fake smile too many times that sometimes it even looked like your genuine smile. For years you thought that you could get over what happened, you wanted to, but it felt like something was pulling you back to that time. You even convinced yourself that Hvitserk is holding you back as the only connection to your past. You were afraid of the world and scared of a human touch. One day you found yourself packing your bags, but you were too slow. That day was the day when Hvitserk showed you how it feels to be loved by someone in a completely different way than you ever knew. He was your rock, rock that you tried to brake so many times so that you would finally be left alone.  So, that there wouldn’t be anyone when you try to let yourself go. But Hvitserk never left or let you leave. He kept your head above the water even when you begged him to let you drown, especially then. He would let the water to take him if that meant you were safe. What happened to you haven’t left just one victim behind it left two. And all this time you never let Hvitserk cry, you would if it was your decision, but he always felt like he has to protect you. You knew what he did for you risking his freedom. He could’ve ended up in jail for what he did, but he still did it for you. You were grateful, but today you were just mad because you wanted him to let himself cry. You wanted him to let you hold him.   
You were hurt and in the process of getting better, you hurt the people who care for you the most. You abandoned them. You abandoned Floki and Helga who were like parents to you, you abandoned Ivar your friend and your crush, the same as you abandoned Halfdan and Harland who were always nice to you promising to you that one day when you will be old enough they will take you with them to see the world. Those people weren’t the only ones that you abandoned, Hvitserk was one of them and maybe it was finally time for you to come home.


	8. Chapter 8

When you are a kid you see people who are stuck in their past. You see them struggle to move and to open their hearts again. And when you see it, you tell yourself that you are never going to be like them.   
At the time you consider them as weak and stupid for wasting their time, but you are not aware of their struggle and you’ll never be. As you grow older you start realizing that you are turning into those people. Those stuck in one place for years. No matter if it seems that they moved on, they didn’t. Their mind is still repeating everything they did wrong on replay. They can never escape because they care too much about the things that are already gone. Just as you were.

You were assaulted. You lost the feeling of being safe. In every stranger’s face, you saw a threat. There were sleepless nights for you, terrors and cries in the middle of the night. You were reliving those moments for years because you couldn’t accept that something bad happened to you. Something that made you a victim and you refused to be one. You refused to deal with it. As long as you were doing that, you were delaying your chances of being happy. And it’s time to be realistic you spent six years doing nothing for your heart, you kept on waiting for a change, but it never came because it doesn’t work like that. You have to do something to get results and today was that day. It was the day to look deep in your heart and mind to finally accept who you are.

* * *

˝Ivar…˝ You were standing paralyzed in front of him. It seemed so unreal to look back at what you’ve done to both of them. It wasn’t a good decision to leave them, but it was yours. It was your mistake that you had to accept and deal with it.  
˝Look…˝, he scratched the back of his neck nervously leaning on the door for better support. ˝We should talk.˝  
You took a moment to look at him before answering. He had his hair tide and freshly shaved face. He looked good and you hoped he felt that way too.  
˝Come in.˝ You said loud enough for him to hear. He passed by you to the couch. You stood at the door before taking a deep breath and closing it slowly. When you came closer to Ivar he was already sitting with his crutches next to his legs. You sat beside him, but leaving little space between you two.  
˝You look good.˝ You said breaking the silence.  
Ivar blushed, you always had that effect on him and he couldn’t stop it.  
˝You too.˝   
You only giggled at that ‘cause you knew you looked like a mess.   
˝I’m sorry˝, you placed your hand on his palm.  
Ivar glanced your way confused. ˝You…I’m the one who should be saying that.˝  
˝No, you are not. Let’s be real Ivar.˝ You squeezed his hand smiling sadly. ˝I made wrong choices.˝   
Ivar wanted to tell you that that wasn’t right, but he knew that he has to give you a chance to tell him what’s been going on inside that head of yours. So, he let you continue, listening carefully.  
˝From that day when everything happened, I‘ve made bad decisions. There was nobody to whom I could really talk to because nobody could ever know how it feels. Nobody knows how it feels to be trapped in your own body not being able to break free. I was disgusted by myself because somehow…. you blame yourself and…… the society in which we live doesn’t really help. The blame is always on the victim.˝ The last part you said silently and Ivar immediately put his finger under your chin so that you would look him in the eyes.  
˝The society is screwed up. People are too, but not all of them. If anything you should’ve talked to me. You know that I would never let you take the blame.˝  
˝But am I, not the one to blame, not for what happened, but the consequences of my own actions?˝  
˝No! I would help you. I would tell you…˝  
˝Ivar.˝ You let the tear roll down your cheek as you did many times before. ˝You were a kid then, just as me and Hvitserk. We were kids with bad parents, raised by two wonderful people who survived a great loss. And even if I was a kid back then I couldn’t trap you all into my sorrow. It was my own and nobody else’s, but that it’s the past.˝  
˝I hope so because I miss my best friend.˝ He smiled at you bringing you closer into his arms.  
˝I miss you too.˝

˝Tell me that there won’t be any more secrets between us.˝ Ivar said not letting you go.  
˝No more.˝ You whispered into his chest. You could feel the material of his shirt getting wet from your tears. There was a long way for you to recover, but now you had all of the people you loved beside you. At least all except one who meant the most to you.   
˝You have to go.˝ His voice was quieter because he placed his chin in the crook of your neck.  
You pulled away staring in his eyes.  
˝He needs you, Y/N. I love you in the way you loved me once, in the way you love him now. I understand. It was always him.˝  
˝Ivar…it was never because of your legs.˝  
˝I know, but it still hurts, but I deserve it. After everything that I thought about you after you left. I deserve to be sad.˝ He lowered his head a bit ashamed.  
˝No, you don’t. Of all people alive you deserve to be happy. You are so fucking smart, I just don’t understand why don’t you try to met anyone. There are good people out there as you said.˝  
˝I did try.˝ Now  Ivar was crying. ˝But nobody seems to look further than my legs. You said that I’m smart, but nobody knows that ‘cause  they only see me as a cripple, but that’s my burden, not yours.˝ He stared at the ground.  
˝What you think of me?˝ You asked quickly.  
˝What?˝  
˝Just answer my question.˝ You punched him playfully in the shoulder.  
˝I think that you are intelligent, funny, interesting and…˝ He stopped for a second blushing before saying: ˝…beautiful˝  
˝And I love you and you believe me. Then tell me why do you think that nobody out there would be interested in you? If I could love you…despite you being a pain in my ass. There is someone out there for you. But you’ll never find them if you keep going after me. Be honest with yourself. You said that you loved me like I love Hvitserk, but that’s not true, not anymore. You were holding onto that ‘cause you were afraid of losing me, but you won’t. There will always be something between us, how couldn’t it be? But we are best as friends, partners in crime. If you think that you’ll be alone before you met someone, you won’t. I’ll be there for you. I’ve failed you as a friend once and I’m planning on making up to you.˝  
˝I love you.˝ Ivar smiled finally showing his teeth. The biggest smile you got since he moved in with you. ˝But let’s be serious for a second…˝ Ivar said with fake hardness in his voice. ˝Why that idiot?˝   
You giggled not able to stop smiling. ˝Because he is my idiot.˝  
˝Good for him ‘cause nobody else wants him.˝  
˝You’ll never change always picking up fights with him.˝  
˝Yeah…˝ Ivar licked his lips nervously almost forgetting the reason why he came. ˝He is really bad, Y/N.˝  
You’re smiled dropped instantly as his word sunk in. ˝What do you mean?˝  
˝He didn’t leave his room since you left. He didn’t want to let me in, but eventually, he gave in. His hands were bruised and stained with blood and his face with tears. Maybe this will sound cliche, but he can’t be without you. You have to go.˝  
Not long after those words left his mouth you drove him back home. 

* * *

Your heart was heavy in your chest as you stood in front of the room you shared with Hvitserk. Ivar went to his room not wanting to disturb you as you were trying to getter some courage to open the door.   
When you opened it, you realized that nothing could’ve prepared you for the scene in front of your eyes. Hvitserk was lying on your side on the bed hugging your pillow. He was curled up like a child with his favorite toy. He didn’t even notice that it was you at the door. As you came closer you saw that his eyes were focused on the floor next to the bed. You didn’t know what to say, so you sat on the other edge of the bed.   
˝Will you let me hold you?˝ There was no answer only silence as you moved closer to his body. You got your answer when he squeezed your hand pulling you closer to his back. 

 

That night you were his rock. That night you held his head above the water as you both will for each other in the days that follow. You will be there for him and you’ll be there for his brother and all the other people you love. You’ll be there during their ups and downs and you’ll never again let them go. And for the first time in a long time, you knew that you’ll be happy because you buried your past dip below your feet,  finally being free.


	9. Chapter 9

**Two years later**

˝No, no….I don’t think I can do this, Ivar.˝ You were anxiously tapping with your finger on the surface of the mirror watching Ivar in it.  
˝Y/N, come on.˝   
You just rolled your eyes at him turning around. Coming face to face with him leaning down a little you raised your brow at him.  
˝What’s going on?˝ He asked worried about you. He knew that you were nervous about everything that was happening, but he didn’t know one thing. One secret that you were keeping for the last three weeks.

He reached with his hands towards you moving his hands around your waist. He placed his head against your stomach as you held him. ˝Tell me.˝ He whispered, but you heard him.   
You continued standing in silence pretending you didn’t hear him.  
˝I know you heard me. Now, talk or I’ll ruin your dress.˝  
˝You wouldn’t dare.˝ Pulling away you looked into his eyes. You could tell he wasn’t joking and you already knew that he never made empty threats.  
˝We have been here before, just remember your favorite jeans.˝  
˝Why would you bring them in this, they are still suffering.˝ You tried to smile, but a tear escaped your eye. You tried to sit next to him, however, the dress didn’t really allow you.  
Annoyed by your dress Ivar just pulled you onto his lap.  
˝Do you have doubts? Thinking that you choose a wrong brother?˝ He joked while you were trying so hard to stay calm.  
˝I’m pregnant.˝  
Ivar stayed shocked he knew how scared were you to even talk about having children. ˝That’s…˝ He tried to find the right words to calm you down. ˝That’s good…I mean that’s amazing. You should be…˝  
˝Happy?˝ You asked cutting him off. You leaned your head against his shoulder letting your tears to fall onto his black suit. ˝Why am I sad then?˝  
˝You are just scared.˝  
˝But I don’t want to be scared, I was scared for half of my life and now….To someone finding out that they were pregnant would be the happiest day of their life, but not to me. When I found out I cried almost the whole day. It’s not that I don’t want it I …˝ You stopped talking aware that he already knew that you were afraid that you would lose it like you lost one, many years ago.  
˝You are not alone. You have me and Hvitserk who is probably crying already ‘cause you are kinda late.˝  
˝But what if he leaves? If I lose this kid I….˝ Your body shook against him as you sobbed quietly.  
˝He would never leave you, you know that so why are you so afraid?˝  
˝I never told this to anyone, not even Hvitserk. After he stayed with me after everything happened I just have this feeling inside me that he stayed because he pitied me.˝  
Ivar chuckled at that fully aware of the love his brother had towards you. ˝You couldn’t be more wrong.˝  
˝Maybe, but I just….I don’t think that I can do this before he knows everything.˝ You could hear voices coming closer to the doors, but you still stayed in the same position.  
˝Than tell him.˝   
You stood up not caring about the wrinkles on the dress. It wasn’t white, you couldn’t let yourself to wear something that symbolizes purity when you didn’t feel like it. Hvitserk told you that you could come to the wedding in your PJs and that you would still be the most beautiful woman there, but also that the white dress doesn’t deserve you and not the other way around.  
˝Can you text him or one of your brothers for him to met me outside with car keys?˝  
Ivar quickly nodded as you opened the door just to be met with their father. Ragnar stood before you. He was ready to ask you if you are coming that Hvitserk is waiting, but before he could you gripped the edge of your dress and you start running down the hall. You could hear him yelling after you, but you knew that he probably didn’t care.  You never really liked him, and you never thought that he was a good father.

* * *

Exiting from the building you quickly headed to the cars, just as you started searching for Hvitserk’s you smiled seeing him already waiting for you. His mouth was slightly opened staring at you. When he noticed that you were crying he hurried towards you. He quickly placed his palms on your cheeks looking at you.  
˝What’s wrong?˝  
You swallowed the lump in your throat, you didn’t know what to say you could only stare at him. He looked so beautiful in his suit. He cut his hair a little before the wedding, but not too much knowing that you loved it when it’s long.  
˝Please, tell me that you are alright.˝  
You smiled nodding. You knew that if anyone else was in his place that they would probably be mad at you for keeping them waiting for so long.  
˝Can we just go? I really want a chocolate milkshake right now.˝   
Hvitserk laughed before kissing your lips. ˝After you, my lady.˝ 

* * *

You were sitting in the half-empty diner drinking your milkshake as people stared at you like you were some freak. You sat at the most secluded booth wanting some privacy.  
Hvitserk didn’t say anything not wanting to push you. You were both late to your own wedding for an hour, but neither of you really cared about it, the only thing that mattered to you both was that you were together.  
Hvitserk held his arm around your shoulder as you were next to each other. ˝Is there any way in which I could help you with whatever is bothering you?˝  
˝I….˝ You took a deep breath before asking: ˝You don’t pity me, right?˝  
Hvitserk pulled his arm away so that he could turn your head to see your face. ˝I don’t.˝ He said sternly, just to make sure that you hear that he was serious. ˝Is that why w..˝  
˝I’m pregnant.˝ You quickly said lowering your head.  
˝Hey, look at me.˝ He placed his finger under your chin leaning in. He gently placed his lips against yours. He pulled away when he felt your tear against his lips.˝You don’t want it?˝ He whispered inches away from your lips.  
˝I want it.˝ You said pulling away. ˝But…..what if we lose it?˝   
˝Than we will grieve.˝ He said with heaviness in his heart hoping that it won’t come to that.  
˝I don’t want to grieve anymore.  The first one wasn’t long with me, I don’t think that I would even love it if it stayed longer. I’m a terrible person. I couldn’t even go to the appointment yesterday to see if the baby is alright. It just…..I don’t want to lose it…˝  
Hvitserk stared at you not even realizing that a tear fell from his eye as he caressed your cheek. ˝Whatever happens, I’ll be here for you and for our baby.˝He kissed your lips again and when he broke the kiss his head went lower and you stared at him in confusion until you felt his lips against your belly. He held his hands on your hips while kissing your bell over the dress. You giggled and he smiled against you not carrying what people around you were thinking. When he finally moved back up he pulled you in for a hug holding you tighter than ever. ˝We will go tomorrow, to make sure that the baby is alright, okay?˝  
You nodded against his chest whispering: ˝Do you still want to marry me?˝  
˝I never had a doubt about it.˝ He kissed the top of your head as you both stayed like that for a few more minutes, actually until Ivar came inside to bring you both back so that you could finally get married after years of loving each other.


End file.
